HR Directors hate over half their staff - and here's the proof!
Last updated: 15/08/2007 15:12:03
OK - that might be a bit strong, but here's a statistic for you - over 60% of staff are so badly thought of that at least half of HR Directors would not re-employ them.

At first I thought that this must be in our sector, the automotive industry, with its reputation for high turnover and poor staff development.

But no, it appears that we are no worse than anywhere else, for the survey was conducted across all industries, and involved 1,000 of Britain's biggest companies. It was carried out on behalf of the Institute of Directors a few years ago, but it has always fascinated me.
 
And was thinking of starting another article based on this shocking fact, and milking it again for it was worth, when this email arrived.

It appears this contempt is not just limited to HR Directors - all bosses are at it. This is not my work, but I am eternally grateful to the compiler. In the style of Jasper Carrott's famous "insurance claims", these are apparently genuine quotations from the US. They are all taken from Federal staff appraisals.

With the Database Protection Act ensuring that most of us have access to almost anything written about us, I would advise you very strongly to check whether you can use any of these in your own appraisals.


Or otherwise, you could just enjoy them like we have. None of them are really offensive, except if you know who is being talked about. I personally hope I never meet them, or their lovely bosses.


1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.


2. I would not allow this employee to breed.


3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.


4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.


5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.


6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.


7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.


8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.


9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.


11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.


13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.


14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.


15. He has been working with glue too much.


16. He would argue with a signpost.


17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.


18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.


19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.


20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.


21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.


22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.


23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.


24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.


25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.


26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.


27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.


28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.


29. One neuron short of a synapse.


30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.


31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.


32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


Need I say more. If they are true, then perhaps the world is not as soul-less as we think. If not, then there is a talented script writer out there waiting to be discovered.

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